i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
