My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize