just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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