so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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