what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
