You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
