Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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