Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
