she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
