the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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