My friends, they love my intelligence
there's paper in my vomit.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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