He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
