hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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