Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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