I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
