Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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