Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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