I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
