oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
another moral hangover. fuck.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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