What a fucking waste of an outfit
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
