i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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