Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
