Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Randomize
