Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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