If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
