nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
