i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
