Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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