i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize