I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize