my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
