Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
