I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
