First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
