guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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