I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
