Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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