oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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