So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
