im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize