I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
