when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
