she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pants are for mortals
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
