Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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