i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
