You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
