Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
