Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
