Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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