god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
