But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
