The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just gargled with NyQuil
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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