In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
