the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
