I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
