It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
