He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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