what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
