But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
