vagina is talking i cant
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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