guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize