He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
