I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
