we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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