all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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