btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
